


To Be Nothing But Gods

by FullMetamorphosis



Series: To Be Nothing But Gods [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Death, Deaths, F/F, F/M, Fantasy, Multi, Murder, Nothing goes right, Pity Party, Religion, Religious Fanaticism, Science Fiction, Subtle Racism, Violence, Yakuza, You Have Been Warned, alexei is an asshole, bullshit, criminal activity, everybody is an asshole, except for suzuka and isis who are beautiful cinnamon buns, i apologize to my cattle, i apologize to my friend who had to beta this, i apologize to my professor who had to read this, i apologize to my whole family, it's just a fucking misery fest, multiple character deaths, protagonist is an asshole, searching for god, seriously two people get kerfuckled in one scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-25
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-09-12 05:19:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9057214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FullMetamorphosis/pseuds/FullMetamorphosis
Summary: Alexei isn't the person they used to be. And they aren't a nice guy, or a good person, or even a decent friend. They've lost everything a person has to lose. The only thing they have left is a drive - the drive to find God.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally my final project for my Sci-fi/Fantasy class; as it stands now, this is due to be the first part of a longer series, which currently has no name. This serves as a prequel to the main story about a girl named Izumi trying to reclaim the parent who'd left her. Obviously the main story is meant to be read before this, but I'm going to release this now because I'm hoping having readers to give insight will help me find my footing as I prepare to write the upcoming novel.
> 
> It is also important to note that this is not a happy story, and bad things happen. If you're easily perturbed by scenes of death, violence, or overall creepiness, then I advise you to read another story (like one of the fanfics I've written with my friend klismaphilia). If not, I hope you enjoy.

They should really just kill him. It’s only a rational thought - if he wakes up, he can easily grab them and throw them into space. The idea of suffocating to death, or worse, isn’t an idea that sits well with Alexei. They look at the guard lying unconscious by their feet, with his head lolled back and neck exposed. He’d been down for what, an hour? They’d barely gotten on board the ship before they were grabbing him and knocking him out cold. And then the ship had given a big rumble and they were taking off - so Alexei didn’t have time to throw him out the ship.

Not that it would have mattered. Being found didn’t sound like a great idea, especially with the charges against them back on Earth. They frown. They nearly kick him to see if he wakes up, but even with the force to his shoulder, he just gives a groan and trembles, before going still.

They need to get it over with. They reach up and flick the switch to the gun mounted on their arm, and they steady their elbow in their right hand as they aim for the temple-

“Alexei, stop. It’s unnecessary.”

They barely turn their head, only looking out of the corner of their eyes, to the alien beside them. She’s hovering over the floor, as always, arms curled around her legs covered by her skirts. Her eyes, already giant, look twice as big as normal as she watches them. Her silver, translucent skin seems to glow in the lowlight of the storage cabin.

They narrow their eyes. Then, they speak quietly, careful to let their voice hover at its lower tone. “He’s bigger than us both and likely a lot stronger,” they say. “I’m not looking forward to him waking up,  _ ever _ .”

“It’ll be easier for us to keep him unconscious,” she says, “There’s nothing he can do once we leave, anyway.”

“Sometimes I wonder if you’re delusional, Isis. You always like the pacifist way out of things. It seems awfully . . .  _ idealistic _ .”

Isis sighs and tightens her arms around her skirts. “I know it’s hard for you to understand right now,” she says. “But killing him won’t get you closer to your goals. Nor will it make you feel safe.”

“ _ Fuck you _ .”

“Why don’t you try to get some rest?” Isis asks, seeming to relax despite the obscenity thrown at her. “You haven’t slept for a long while.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t sleep well. You know that.”

“We won’t make it to Typhoon for another several hours,” Isis says, “Probably not for another day. You’ll feel better, I promise. You can dream about good things. You could dream about what you’ll do when you find God.”

“ _ Fine _ ,” Alexei tosses their hands up before reaching over and turning off the gun mounted on their arm. They lean back against the crates behind them and sigh, tilting their head away from Isis. “I’d better wake up from this,” they growl. They think they hear Isis sighing.

“I promise you,” she says, “You will,” and that’s the last they hear before they’re drifting off to sleep.

***

_ Their hands hurt. They can feel the bandages around the stumps of fingers, damp with fresh blood. It makes them feel weak; even stumbling up the stairs to their apartment, bracing their hands against the railings to try and stay up, feels impossible. The pain is so overwhelming. _

_ They’ve never cried so much in so few days. Their eyes feel raw with the tears, and they can hardly see. They crash against the door at the top of the stairs and begin to reach down to grab their keys from their pocket. It’s when the bandages bump against their hip, and they nearly scream, that they remember. _

_ No more fingers. _

_ The door opens, and they nearly fall through and against somebody’s body. They look up into startling grey eyes. They squeeze their eyes shut, and press their hands against his shirt. Alexei’s hardly able to resist the whimper that creeps through their lips. _

_ “Oh, god. So it’s true.” _

_ They’re being pulled inside, with the door shut behind them. They’re being dragged across the floor, before being pushed onto a soft seat. The man sits beside them, face buried in their hair. _

_ “He didn’t- they said-” _

_ “We were ambushed so fast,” Alexei whispers. A sob breaks free; they pull in a deep breath and try to keep going. “It was th-that same gang that’s been giving us trouble for weeks. They found us. He . . . Osiris jumped in the way of the bullet that was meant for me. He told me to run. I didn’t even get to see him die.” _

_ “Fuck,” he says. Then, Alexei feels him tremble, and he suddenly shouts “FUCK!” before the arms around them tighten, and he’s crying for real. _

_ Alexei barely manages to sit up and push him back. He looks a mess, hair disheveled and face a raw red. They can feel their own tears beginning to seep from their eyes all over again. They reach up and wrap their arms around his neck. Pull him down, so he can cry against their unbound chest. _

_ “I-I know, Seth,” they sob, and they finally let go, and press their face against his hair. “I d-didn’t want this. He just-” _

_ “I loved him, Alexei.” _

_ “So did I. I c-can’t believe it. He made me leave, Seth. H-He made me do it.” _

_ “I know,” he takes a long breath in. He’s sitting up, grabbing their face in his hands. “We can’t stay,” he says with a hiccup. “I- I’m not letting these  _ fuckers _ take you away, too. Fuck it, it’s too much- lost too many people-” _

_ “Yeah,” they nod. Another sob. They can’t seem to stop crying. Seth shushes them, and thumbs away their tears. _

_ “Don’t cry, Alexei,” he says. “I- no more of this. I’ll take your emotions, okay? I’ll be in charge of them. We’re getting out of here - out of this gang business, and out of Japan. And then we’ll fix your hands,” he says as he takes their broken hands in his perfect ones, “And we’ll make a new family. A family that’s  _ perfect _.” _

_ Alexei sniffles, and presses their face against his shoulder. They relax, fully, as his hands press against their back. _

_ “I trust you,” they say. _

_ It’s the last time they mean it. _

***

They blend in with everybody on the flight pad once they get off the carrier; nobody sees them leave the cargo bay, and the asshole they knocked out still isn’t awake enough to say anything. All things considered, Alexei thinks as they pull out a blunt from their pocket, things were going awfully well. The land on Typhoon could’ve been a bit more gentle - they now have a pistol they’ll have to repair later on - but at least they hadn’t been knocked out of the sky by the tumultuous, stormy atmosphere.

Alexei levels the blunt between their lips, and cups their hand around the end as they try to get it to take from their lighter’s flame. Behind them, they hear a sigh, almost a huff.

“You really shouldn’t be smoking those.”

“That’s what my last boyfriend told me,” they say, “And it never stopped me before.” The flame takes hold. They switch off their lighter and suck in a breath. The feeling of smoke and earth settles deep into their lungs, like a sweet return home.

Isis seems intent on ruining their moment. She catches up and hovers at the side, mouth in a scowl. “You’re going to poison yourself,” she points out. Alexei turns their head and watches Isis for a moment. They reach up and pull the blunt from their lips. Then, they blow the smoke into her wide, black eyes. She floats back, sputtering.

“I’ve been smoking this stuff since I was a teenager,” they point out dryly, “And it hasn’t killed me yet.”

“Th-This,” Isis says with a cough, “Coming from somebody who’s lost eight fingers.”

Alexei shrugs and places the blunt back in their mouth. They press their hands together, and start methodically cracking each set of artificial knuckles on their hands - that to say all of them, except for where metal and plastic connects to their skin. “Still,” they point out, “I lived.”

Typhoon seems like it’s eternally overcast; there’s dark shade over everything, even over the field Alexei and Isis finally step into off of the flight pad. Even the sky looks drab; though it’s midday, the portions of sky visible are a dark blue. The clouds, meanwhile, are black.  _ Can’t wait to see what night’s like _ , Alexei thinks to themselves,  _ If this is supposed to be afternoon _ .

It’s enough to remind them of home. And, in a moment of peculiar curiosity, they crack their knuckles and ask, “What’s your planet like, Isis? The sky, I mean.”

“It’s always changing. Dark to light. Bright to black.”

“I think that’s what we call the fucking weather.”

“Not quite - it’s the way we circle around the sun. Our atmosphere is immobile, while the planet spins within it. And it’s differently dense, that atmosphere. Sometimes it’ll be a dark yellow sky as it turns to night, or a bright purple in the middle of the day. Once, it was black for two weeks. That only happens once every few years though.”

“Your years?” Alexei asks with a puff of smoke passing their lips. “Or human ones?”

“They aren’t so different. Shocking as it may seem, your planet’s orientation with the sun isn’t an uncommon one. Nor were your sense of years concocted by human minds.”

“Oooh, alien  _ conspiracies _ . Somebody call the Illuminati.”

“I’d suggest your sense of humor was  _ dark _ , but I’m unsure it’s meant to be humor.”

“Of course it’s dark, haven’t you seen the sky around here?”

They pop the blunt out of their mouth and shoot her a wicked grin. Isis sighs, and reaches up with webbed fingers to massage her temples.

“I never will know what to do with you,” Isis says, “And I worry that’ll be the death of me.”

***

“So what’s the plan?” Alexei asks as they sit down in front of the logs they’d pulled together and aim their blaster at the centre. They fire a shot; the logs come to life with flames immediately. They settle in and pull the pistol from their pack. It isn’t badly damaged, but it isn’t good, either. The landing had been less than desirable.

Isis seems unwilling to sit, and merely floats near the fire, staring into the flames almost wistfully. “The ruins should be a few days away,” she says. “There might be a few towns in between, and probably a military base, since humans have managed to land here, but besides that, it should be mostly landscape. I don’t know what it’ll be like, though. I’ve never been on Typhoon.”

“You know a lot about it for somebody who hasn’t been here,” Alexei says. They screw off the aiming plate from the front of their gun. They start, just slightly, when they see black smoke pour from the barrel.  _ Damn _ . They look back up at Isis. “Any reason you have so much info?”

“I’m part of a naturally curious race. Researching these things isn’t at all uncommon.”

“More like naturally  _ obnoxious _ . Isn’t that what you’re called? The ‘Obinox’?” they snort, and shrug as they squint at their pistol, turning it in their hand. “Seems a fitting descriptor.”

“Alexei.”

“ _ Fine, fine _ ,” they sigh and drop the gun in their lap. They lean over and look Isis in the eyes. “The ‘Iblinix’. I know. You’re a race from Syphon that seeks a universal balance. In order to find balance, you argue, you need knowledge first,” they sigh and lean back again. “Is that enough ‘understanding’ for you?”

Surprisingly, she seems happy that they even bothered to correct themselves at all. She finally floats down, and sits across the fire from them. “Yes,” she says. “The Iblinix are naturally curious - and we naturally gravitate to things and  _ people _ that we feel are unbalanced.”

“Hn.”

“Will you ever be willing to talk to me about it?”

“About what?”

“About what happened before,” she says softly. The happiness has gone from her face, replaced with sorrow. “Alexei, will you  _ ever _ tell me why you were running from the police, when we first met?”

Alexei drops their eyes back to the pistol lying in their lap. They don’t say anything - not yet. Not when they can feel a lump developing in their throat, making it hard to breathe, to speak . . . even to  _ think _ . Their pistol picks up dual shines of lights, one from each moon hanging in the black sky. It makes them wonder, again, why they put themselves through this. Why they’d done any of this at all - when it would have been so much more simple to just go to prison. When it would’ve been even  _ easier _ just to cut all ties before things got bad.

Maybe if they hadn’t even met Seth and Osiris, maybe things would’ve been different.

Isis hasn’t spoken. Neither have they. Alexei reaches down and picks up their pistol again. They turn it in their hands, one more time. Then, they finally force their voice through the blockage in their throat:

“That doesn’t matter,” they say with a sigh. “Seriously, it’s . . . it is not a big deal.”

“I thought your law enforcement was quite intense.”

“ _ None of that matters _ ,” they say, and finally turn their eyes up to the sky. “It will not matter, once I’ve found Them. Once I’ve found God, none of it will matter. I’ll- I’ll  _ change _ things. I’ll fix everything, back to the way it’s supposed to be. And then that’ll be that. You’ll see, Isis. I’m going to fix things. And after that, I’ll show you everything. You’ll see,” they say, and finally whisper. “You’ll see.”

***

_ It’s the first interesting thing on TV they’ve seen all day. First explorations into space, interactions with extraterrestrials, even the developing mech technology that people were considering the future of battlearms. Proved that NASA was at least up to something instead of sucking their thumbs. Alexei is nearly riveted, even as they hear Seth behind them, tapping away at something. They ignore him, and fiddle with their hands. They can feel the absence of their prosthetics as wholly as they did when their fingers were first chopped off as punishment. _

_ What’s worse is the TV headline: “Project: Osiris making headway”. Just seeing the word makes their stomach curdle. _

_ “Turn that shit off.” _

_ They don’t say anything. They’re too invested in the TV. _

_ A hand fists in their hair. They cry out as their head is yanked back, hard enough to nearly pull them off the couch. _

_ “I said to turn that shit off!” _

_ Alexei’s immediately shouting and thrashing. “I’m fucking watching it!” _

_ “No need to  _ yell _ ,” he snaps as he lets go of their hair. They sink back into their seat with a gasp. They can feel the couch shift as Seth leaps over it and plops down next to them; he’s swiping the remote from their lap and shutting the TV off, before tossing it across the room and out of arm’s reach. He’s leaning over to pull them into an embrace. Alexei lurches back, glaring. _

_ “I want my prosthetics back,” they growl. _

_ “You’re  _ supposed _ ,” he hisses back, “To be  _ relaxing _.” _

_ “Hard shit to do when you don’t have fingers.” _

_ “You don’t need to be doing anything when you’re at home. Why can’t you let me do this for you? You know I care-” _

_ “Then give me back my fucking prosthetics!” _

_ He sighs and looks away, back to the black TV screen. Alexei sighs and leans against the couch back. They close their eyes. They’d thought New York was supposed to be simpler than Kyoto; they thought they’d be able to construct something of a real life here. Instead, Seth was doing everything from the odd jobs to office work for random companies, had even found a job that they’d thought he was really going to keep - and then a month in, they laughed him off, called him a gullible chink, and kicked him out with hardly the tie still around his neck. _

_ And it wasn’t even that they hadn’t offered to look for a job, too - but he refused. Said that after everything in Kyoto,  _ he _ was going to be the one taking care of them.  _ He _ was going to be the breadwinner. All they had to do was stay home and wait for him. It was almost -  _ almost _ \- as if he had forgotten they weren’t just a weak, weeping woman. _

_ Dammit, they hadn’t gone through all of that for nothing. For as destroyed as they were over Osiris’s death and the loss of their hands, they were fucking  _ fine _. They could still do as much as him. And yet Seth didn’t give a damn. _

_ There’s a hand on their cheek, cupping their face. Alexei sighs. They know what’s coming next. _

_ “I’m sorry,” he says to them, softly. “I shouldn’t be so hard on you. I- I’ll give you the prosthetics back, okay? Will that make you happy?” _

_ They open their eyes and give him a dull glare. “I’d be happier if I could work,” they say. _

_ He shakes his head. “Honey, I know you mean well, but - it’s just, after everything that’s happened? You deserve to be pampered, and all of it. I want to take care of you. Is that so hard to understand?” _

I’ll take your emotions _ , he had said over a year ago. And it wasn’t like he hadn’t tried, indeed. Still, the softness of his eyes, and the warmth of his hands, does manage to make them crack a smile. “Whatever you say,” they reply. “I can still kick your ass.” _

_ He lifts a brow. “Is that so?” _

_ “Of course,” they say with their grin. And before he can respond, they’re tangling their legs around his waist and rolling them over, off the couch, and Seth gives a gasp and a growl as his back hits the floor. Alexei sits up, straddling his hips, and presses their hands against his chest. Seth looks at their wrists, then up to their eyes, and grins in return. _

_ “Something tells me you want more than a catfight,” he says. He presses his hips up; Alexei can’t help but sigh at the feeling. They give him a look with eyes hooded, before reaching down and pressing the tip of their nose to his. _

_ “Then maybe you should get on with it,” they purr, “Or else we can have a real showdown, hotshot.” _

***

The dreams alone, concocted from memories too real to handle, make Alexei wake up in far too sour a mood. The feeling doesn’t change as they move across the fields, through forests, only traversing a few hills covered in a strange purple grass once in a long while. None of the scenery seems to lift their mood. They’re certain Isis has noticed.

“Did you not sleep well?” she finally asks as they stumble over a root going uphill. Alexei catches their balance, only to turn back and glare at her. They reach down and grab a long stick from the ground - some kind of branch that’d fallen long ago - and use it to balance them as they force their way upwards.

“Criminals rarely get good nights of sleep,” they say. “What? Did you expect anything different?”

“I wouldn’t think you’d adopt the title ‘criminal’ so naturally.”

“Nobody would listen to me if I tried to argue otherwise. I’ve done a lot of bad things, Isis,” they say. Their branch sticks in some rut in the ground beneath them. They nearly fall again when they try to pull it free; Alexei rolls their eyes and leaves it behind.

“I suppose so,” Isis says as she floats beside them, “But you must’ve done some good things, too. Put some good into the world, I’m sure.”

They snort and shrug. “Yeah, my sister tried to kill herself when she was fifteen. I barely saved her. And then I shipped her off to America because I was stuck in Japan and I wanted her to transition safely. Some kind of ‘good thing’ that was.”

“Is she still alive?”

Alexei pauses. Slowly, they say: “Yes, she is. She’s a designer for modern and futuristic fashions in New York, and well-known as a transgender activist.”

“Then that’s a good thing. No?”

“She did all of that on her own. I barely helped,” they say. They break out of the forest. The summit isn’t wide - it’s almost an immediate drop back down again, probably about as difficult to go down as it was to get up. They stop for a moment, and look across at the horizon. They can see a dark shape on the line between sky and land. They can only imagine that’s their goal. Alexei’s sure if it - they can feel it in their bones.

Isis refuses to leave them with their thoughts. She floats next to them, and watches them. Alexei turns their head to her, and barely manages to keep from snapping. “What is it? You’re giving me that . . . that needling look again.”

“Alex,” she says softly. “The Iblinix can sense balance and unbalance. It couldn’t have been a month or two between . . .  _ that _ , and when you escaped. When you found me.”

Alexei’s frown thins. They look back to the horizon. They wonder if it’s just them, or if it really has gotten colder. Absently, they reach up and rub the side of their thumb against the corner of their eye. They can feel dewdrops rubbing off onto their hands.

“Alexei?”

They shrug. Shove their hands into the pockets. Finally look down from the horizon, and to their shoes.

“They found I was pregnant after I was arrested. My sister is taking care of the baby.”

“You couldn’t take care of the child?”

“And take the baby with me to prison?” they ask with a wary look to Isis. “You wouldn’t understand. Human politics are just too . . .  _ complicated _ .”

“Did you love them?”

Alexei doesn’t answer. They look at the descent in front of them.

“Alexei?”

“Her name was Izumi,” they say as they approach the descent. “And yes. I loved her.”

***

_ The sounds of violin are coming from inside. It’s almost soothing, could calm their nerves if they thought anything could anymore. The door’s unlocked to the strange apartment, too, but they decide to knock anyway. The music stops. They open the door and peek their head in with a wide grin. _

_ “Sorry to interrupt. Y’know, perfection is hard to deal with, after all.” _

_ Across the apartment’s living room stands a geisha, still half made up. The powders are washed off her face, revealing the burned scars across her hairline, but her hair is still done up high, and her kimono is still tight around her frame. She couldn’t have been more than an hour off work, Alexei thinks, else she’d be tired of the heavy clothes hiding her away. The woman’s barely lowering her instrument and giving them a smile as they look her over. Alexei’s certain they’re returning smile with a dorky one of their own. _

_ “I thought you said you wouldn’t be able to come,” she says with a light, feathery voice. Alexei shrugs and steps in, swinging the door behind them before reaching back and locking it. _

_ “The S-O had to take an extra shift at work ‘unexpectedly’ - nothing to do with me, of course,” they say as they stretch their arms out - arms still strong and taut like before - and cross the room to toss themselves on the couch. “And besides,” they add in a lazy tone, “I haven’t seen you in two weeks and I fucking miss you. It’s hard enough to send you letters, never mind give you a call.” _

_ “He’s still checking your phone?” _

_ Alexei laughs. “Bastard tracks it. That’s why I turned it off - but as long as I’m quick, I can call you. Just have to make sure to delete the calls before he gets home.” _

_ There’s the sounds of the instrument being sealed into its case, and the soft footsteps across the floor. They feel the couch bow as the geisha sits next to their head. A hand rests on their forehead, soft and warm. Alexei smiles, even as the woman speaks. “You talk about this so casually,” she says. “It worries me.” _

_ “I don’t have time to worry about it while I’m here,” they say with a crooked smile aimed her way. She smiles regardless, and they finally push themselves up to press their lips to hers. It’s a short kiss, sweet, before they’re lying back in her lap, and reaching up to start undoing taut pins in her hair. _

_ “ _ Amaterasu _ -blessed,” they say with almost a laugh as the locks of hair start coming down around her lover’s face. “Are you sure she didn’t send you down here just for me?” _

_ “You’re ridiculous,” she says with a shake of her head. But she’s still smiling - still that gentle, warm smile. Alexei can’t help but give her another dorky grin. _

_ “And you, Suzuka,” they say back, “Are gorgeous. Sweet. I could eat you up like a sticky little rice ball.” _

_ “You’ve used that line before, Alexei. I know where that line leads,” she giggles. _

_ Their cheeks hurt from grinning. “So then you know I’m right.” _

_ “You have several layers of kimono to unravel before you go proving that again.” _

_ “It’s a challenge I’m willing to take,” Alexei says with a giggle. They sit up again, eyes skimming across her pale, bare neck. It’s when her hand presses to their back that they jerk, and cry out in pain. _

_ “Alexei!” _

_ “S-Sorry-” they gasp and give her a shaking smile. “Just another bruise. Sorry about that.” _

_ “ _ Another _? I thought you told me he stopped hitting you!” _

_. . . oh. Whoops. _

_ “I . . . uh . . . fell?” _

_ Suzuka pushes them up, and gets up. Their back hits the cushions again with a  _ thwump _. They wince as Suzuka walks away. “I can hardly bear to watch this happen, Alexei! It’s enough that you’re still with him, but now he’s hitting you again?!” _

_ “It’s not like I can’t fight back! I’m not helpless, honey. Wait-” they roll over and barely see the phone in her hands. Alexei lurches up and nearly slaps into her as they tear the phone from her hands. “Please, don’t!” _

_ “What else am I supposed to do?!” she asks with tears in her eyes. “He’s  _ hurting _ you! Someday he’s going to kill you-!” _

_ “Seth is fucked up right now,” they snap, “But he’s not  _ crazy _. I swear. He doesn’t know what he’s doing.” _

_ “You mean he ‘accidentally’ punches you in the stomach and kicks you in the back? You’ll have a knife in your ribs and think he just tripped into you.” _

_ “He would never go that far,” Alexei says with a shake of the head. They put the phone down and take Suzuka’s face in their hands, kissing away the tears. “Shh, honey. It’s okay. I’ve got things under control. He’s- as long as I’m careful, things will be fine. But you  _ know _ what’ll happen if the police come. You know . . . know that they aren’t kind to us here.” _

_ “I know,” she says. Another tear leaks from her otherwise perfect eyes. Alexei shushes her, and kisses the tear away again. _

_ “I’m sorry. I can handle this. Just . . . he’ll get better and things will be okay. But right now he just controls so much - and if the police learned of it, they’d learn of our pasts. And I don’t want to get sent back. Nor do I want to leave  _ you _ ,” they kiss her cheek again, and finally reach down to hold her hands again. “Let’s just order a pizza and relax tonight, okay? I promise, I am alright. It’s not even that bad. He just got a little upset and clipped me across the back, y’know? It happens.” _

_ “Not to most people,” she mutters, but Alexei squeezes her hands and looks her in the eyes again. Suzuka finally sighs, and leans against them. “Fine. But if it gets any worse-” _

_ “-you’ll call the police,” they say with a chuckle. “I know. I trust your judgement, Suzuka. But now’s just not the right time. Pizza, and then we’ll relax together, okay?” _

_ “But-” she stops, and finally sighs, as if she’s giving in. “. . . okay. Just . . . don’t make me regret this.” _

_ “I never will,” they say with a kiss to the top of her head. “I swear by that.” _

***

They finally get there a few days later - to the foot of what appears to be a massive level of broken-down buildings and structures. Just walking on the stone pathways seems strange, looking around at what seem like homes, abandoned and left in disrepair. They’re all in a dark grey rock, as if carved from the earth itself. It could’ve supported a whole town of people, Alexei thinks, over thirty thousand. And then they make it to the middle of the town, and that’s when they see it.

It’s a rough building, for sure. Almost entirely rectangular in nature, plain, except for a single window carved out of the stone at the top, and a large stone door hanging by its hinges, open, in the centre. Alexei can’t help but look at it with a frown. They dig into their pocket for a blunt and a lighter as Isis floats over, and explains.

“These are the Ruins of the Millennia,” she says as Alexei lights up their blunt. “Apparently this town was populated for thousands of years, until some sort of accident. They say the accident was created by God Themselves, and people still claim God remains here to this day.”

“Can’t see why God would hang out in a place like this,” Alexei says as they puff out a bluster of smoke. “Seems awfully dreary to me. I prefer nice tatami.”

“It’s very natural construction,” Isis argues. “Perfect for a deity who created nature.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” they say, shrugging and looking around. “So, where’s God supposed to be? Are They going to come up and give me a handshake or something? Because I would  _ really _ like to talk to them already.”

“They say God slumbers in the temple ahead of us,” Isis says with a nod forward. “It won’t be until nighttime, but the history books say that night is the most supernatural time of this place. And the sun is already setting-”

“You can even tell? It looks absolutely no different than this morning. Seriously.”

“Alexei, I’m Iblinix. We have an innate sense of time on most planets.”

“Isis, I’m human. And we’re considered dumbasses.”

Isis sighs. “ _ Anyways _ ,” she says, “It’s best to wait inside, I think. We’re . . . we’re closer than ever,” she says. Then, she finally adds: “I just hope we’re right to do this after all.”

***

The inside of the Temple is plain, at least, what Alexei would usually expect out of a temple. It seems a little Catholic, with stone pillars lining their way to the back of the room - but from there, stairs rise to a wide platform on which stands a throne. Doesn’t seem real fitting to have a throne in a Temple, they think, followed by I wonder if I’ll feel Them if I sit there. They nearly slap themselves for their ridiculous thinking.

The Temple seems to have no light as the sky goes dark, but it hardly bothers them. They have a lantern in their pack, and Isis glows a little bit anyway. They sit against a nearby pillar and work on their pistol while Isis floats around, looking. Neither of them talk much. Alexei feels like they’re too on edge to talk.

Hours pass. They’re not sure how many; all they know is that they might’ve nodded off, or lost focus, because they look down at the pistol in their lap and they’ve barely made the progress on it that they wanted. Alexei rolls their eyes and finally get up. Isis pauses mid-float and turns to them, eyes solemn.

“So what’s the big deal?” they ask with a groan and a few  _ pops _ as they crack their knuckles. “I thought the fireworks were supposed to start already.”

“I don’t know,” she says quietly. “Maybe if we wait a little longer-”

“Isis, don’t tell me this was another wrong lead-”

“I’m certain it’s not. Most of the people on this planet were wiped out mysteriously around the time this population was. There  _ has _ to be a reason, I know it.”

“Maybe they left?” Alexei asks. “I mean, it’s a pretty drab planet.”

Isis sighs. “Alexei, just because  _ you _ don’t see it-”

“Whatever,” they toss their hands up, and turn back to their pillar. “I’m just going to work more on my pistol. Let me know if something-”

They stop halfway across the floor. There’s a low rumbling in their ears; they turn around and look at Isis, and her eyes are so wide that they  _ know _ she can hear it.

And then everything shifts with a  _ jerk _ , and everything is shaking.

They can feel the ground rolling under their feet; it’s shuddering like an earthquake, though they’re able to keep balance same as before. It jarrs their vision as they look around, and though they feel unaffected, there’s dust - dust falling from the rafters, from crumbling stone pillars. They can’t get a solid feel for the lighting. It’s so dizzying to look at that they shut their eyes, and thrust their arms out as if to keep balance.

They feel the shudders stop. They open their eyes and look around. It seems like nothing’s changed; the light’s the same, and though the dust continues to settle, there’s no real damage to see. They look at Isis. She seems unnerved, more than before. Alexei can feel their heart pound; they press a hand to their chest and pull in a breath, to balance themselves.

. . . the music begins.

They look around, but there’s nothing new here. But it’s outside of them, small notes like little voices. It’s almost ghostly. Alexei turns on the spot, eyes darting around the room. The breath feels stuck in their head. It’s as if an orchestra is around them, and the music is bouncing off of their chest.

This had to be it. This- was this-

_ Is God here after all _ ?

“Alexei, what’s wrong?”

Their head snaps to Isis almost instantly. “You don’t hear that?”

“Are you hearing something?”

“Yes- it’s-” they shake their head and look around again. They even step away to try and get closer to the noise, but the music just seems to turn around them. “It’s like- have you ever heard something more  _ beautiful _ ? I-”

“Alexei, there’s nothing there. It’s just as silent as before.”

“I  _ swear _ there’s music here!” they bark out as they lunge a few more steps, feeling as if they keep getting closer and farther from the source, like it’s leading them. A hand grabs theirs. They yank it back and turn to Isis with a glare. “Isis, what the fuck?!”

“Alexei, nothing’s here!” she says with a stern frown. “Now please, let’s just leave. This whole place is out of balance all of a sudden-”

“Bullshit! Just- bullshit! We’re  _ so close _ !” Alexei steps forward and grabs her by the collar. “ _ Listen _ ,” they growl, “ _ I’m not leaving here without seeing God _ -”

They feel the ground break under their feet. The roar of crumbling concrete sounds, and then-

_ Falling _ .

They scream as they plunge into the black.

_ “The fuck do you think you’re doing out there?!” _

_ Seth grips the gun on the counter tighter as he glares at them. “I’m not sure you’re one to judge-” _

_ “This what we left Japan for, you fucking idiot!” they gesture at the gun with a fisted hand. “What do you want to do, get us killed?!” _

_ “You’re the one sucking up all the money, dammit!” he roars back as he tosses his hands into the air, gun still in hand. “I’m the one trying to support me and your lazy ass-” _

_ “GIVE ME THAT!” Alexei finally lunges forward and rips the gun from his hands. Seth growls, and suddenly they’re being thrown to the floor. They gasp; their jaw hurts. He’d punched them square in the cheek. _

_ “GIVE ME MY FUCKING GUN BACK!” _

_ “NOT WHEN YOU’RE WAVING IT AROUND LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT!” Alexei screams back. They crawl back and grab a nearby shelf to pull themselves up. All the old bruises from the past weeks go sore; it takes them a groan just to get to their knees. They glare back at him and shove the gun into their waistband, with the safety on. “Why the fuck are we  _ here _ ,” they finally ask, “When you’re intent on bringing us back to Japan?!” _

_ “We aren’t IN Japan!” _

_ “AND WE AREN’T FUCKING GANG MEMBERS ANYMORE!” they shoot back as they finally stumble back to their feet. “THIS ISN’T WANT I WANTED! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T WANT THIS ANYMORE!” _

_ “SO WHAT?!” he slams his hand against the table so hard it makes them jump with fear. “YOU GOING TO BREAK UP WITH ME OR NOT, YOU STUPID BITCH? I’M THE ONLY ONE KEEPING YOU ALIVE!” _

_ “MAYBE I’LL JUST TAKE MY CHANCES!” they scream back. They turn to the door. _

_ “THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING?!” _

_ “OUT!” they shout back, “AND IF YOU COME AFTER ME I’LL SHOOT YOUR BRAINS OUT!” _

_ “FINE!” Seth screams. Alexei walks through the door and slams it behind them. Already people are looking out of their apartments into the hallway; one of their neighbors is gasping, pointing to their cheek. They look at them and growl. _

_ “The hell are you looking at?!” they ask, but the neighbor is still staring, still afraid. It’s only then that they realize they’re stuck in a brutal dialect of Japanese. Just like the old days. _

_ They huff and finally let out a yell as they toss their hands in the air and stomp away, down the hall from everybody else. They finally pull out their phone and press in a number; they put it to the ear and thank the gods that she picks up on the first ring. _

_ “I had a fight with him. Wanna come over ‘til shit blows over. I’ll be there in five.” _

***

There’s a purpose to this. They know it. From the beginning, from that first sleep on the cargo ship over to Typhoon, they’ve been remembering. Alexei knows it - knows they’ve been recalling every memory that has shaped them for the last seven years. From when they lost Osiris at the start . . . and now, to that final tragic day. The final straw that broke everything down.

God has been doing this. Alexei’s certain, knows they must be close if these sequences have been repeating like a ghoulish nightmare of their own past. And if that’s the case, that means God’s doing it for a reason.

God must be  _ close _ .

Their eyes open with a flutter. Their head wants to pound, but the pain is muted, dull. They’re lying at the bottom of a well, while around them exist crumbled walls. Their hair is loose over their face. Their overcoat is thrown over them like a blanket. Their eyes feel sore, like bruises have sunk them in.

Alexei looks at their arms splayed before them. They fist each hand. Their prosthetics are fine. With a shift, they see their blaster. It’s still mounted. Still perfectly functional, real.

Isis is nowhere to be seen.

They sit up. Hurts, but it’s not enough to stop them. They look around. The rubble fell around them in a perfect circle, like mounted around some forcefield or shield. Makes sense. They’re  _ wanted _ here. Maybe they’ve been called here for longer than they thought.

There’s only one way to go: there’s a tunnel across from them. Alexei is getting to their feet. It looks dark; they had nothing to cast light. They can feel their heart pound as they stare into the abyss. As they watch, the soft music from before enters their brain. It comes from that tunnel. It’s guided them this far, over the weak flooring that’d collapsed under their feet.

They’re this close. About to meet God. Feet away, perhaps - less than a mile. They can feel it in the soles of their feet, in the twitch of animated fingers. This is what twenty-eight years have called them to. This is what they were meant to achieve. They are the child of Eve, and the son of Mary. The child of God.

With the confidence of Jesus, they step into the tunnel.

***

They don’t know how long they’ve walked. Miles, maybe. For days. Endless days, or endless hours, or maybe simple minutes. Time means nothing. All that matters is the earth beneath their feet, and the coil of their body, and the music in their ears leading them. There’s still no light. Alexei hasn’t seen in ages. They could close their eyes and the difference would be nothing. They pull in a breath as they collect their senses. The earth smells damp around them. It reminds them of a clear lake, of a crisp drink of water.

In the centre of their vision, a light brightens, first dull and then growing sharper, bigger. They step out of the tunnel.

It’s nothing but a room. No source of light, yet they can see well. The music screams louder in their ears. At the end of the room, there’s a large set of doors. They’re made of stone too, reaching to the ceiling, carved from the natural walls. The air around them seems to glow, just like it pulses around their body.

They know what’s in the next room.

_ The means to my ends. _

They step forward and reach out-

“Alexei, please  _ stop _ !”

Their eyes drop to the floor. It’s Isis. She’s barely hovering, weak. Alexei’s eyes don’t even widen. They know they’re already wide. Manic. Wild.

They pull in breath through their teeth. Their words are nothing but air.

“Out of my way, Isis.”

“ _ Please _ ,” she insists. She reaches out to them. “The balance here . . . it’s  _ wrong _ .  _ I _ was wrong. This . . . this is all wrong,” she shakes her head. “I’m so sorry. I . . . I led you astray, off the right path. This  _ can’t _ be it. It can’t be God-”

“ _ I know it in the depths of my body, Isis _ ,” they hiss out. Their voice is not their own, yet they control it all the same. They raise their arm at her, blaster warm against their skin. They’re shaking. Their aim shakes with them.

“You’re going to get out of my way,” they say. Their chest is heaving - when did it start that? “I know what I feel, Isis,” they continue. “This is it.  _ This is what we worked for _ . And yet you’ll pull away now?”

She shakes her head. Her eyes seem to glisten. They don’t know why. “I never wanted this,” she finally whimpers. Their body tenses.

“ _ You’ll turn against God?! _ ”

“Alexei,  _ please _ !” she gasps. They don’t care. They take a step forward, then two. She’s so small. They’d never realized. Her eyes are massive, and she’s gasping, and finally crying out a terrified wail of “ _ Alexei, PLEASE-!” _

_ Bang _ .

. . . the lights are faded from her eyes. Her body lies on the floor. Amethyst blood leaks from the lasered hole in her chest. They look down at her with pupils dilated beyond rational.

Alexei looks up to the door and finally walk across the room to it. They lean on it with their full weight, and it opens. They step into the room.

***

_ They’d never turned their phone off. _

_ He’s breaking through the door. Alexei is screaming, throwing their whole weight against it. They can hear Suzuka on the phone, calling the police. Seth is screaming; they can’t hear him. He’s so strong, and their corded muscles are forcing against the door, but they’re too weak. Have been littered with too many bruises, beaten for too long. _

_ The door opens. They stumble back. Pain slams into their forehead. They fly back, hit the opposite wall. _

_ “I’M GOING TO KILL YOU, YOU STUPID BITCH!” _

_ Another scream. Alexei can’t think. They’re throwing themselves off the wall. They can see slices of an image. _

_ A gorgeous woman with black hair flying back - her body stumbling away - a cold hand grabbing a kitchen knife- _

_ “SUZUKA-!” _

 

_ Blood. _

 

_ It’s like a snapshot. Seth’s body lunging. A hand tangled in her hair as it clutched around her neck. Wide emerald eyes. Grey ones filled with hate. _

_ A knife in her chest. Blood soaking into her lovely blouse. _

_ The play button is pressed with a scream. _

_ And she’s pinned against a wall, and she’s screaming as the knife pulls out and in, stabs her, again and again. Red spews out, paints the walls. Seth is a machine. It’s blade into flesh. Blade - flesh. Blade - flesh. Tearing. More screams. A gasp of a name. A body sliding down the wall. _

_ Silence. Huffed breaths. _

_ Seth, wiping the blood off his face with his sleeve. _

_ “Stupid  _ bitch _ . . .” he spits out as he glares down at her corpse - certainly a corpse, no need to lie. “No wonder your judgement is so clouded, my darling Alexei. My sweet  _ Aiko _. You strayed from the flock . . . but I forgive you. I know she’s poisoned you - warped your mind. The whole world - the Yakuza, her, even Osiris - has warped your mind. It has warped you so badly you have been broken. But do not worry. I will hold your emotions once again,” he sighs. He turns and starts walking back. His head lifts from Suzuka’s corpse, and he looks them in the eye with a soft, forgiving smile. _

_ “Come with me now, Aiko. Let’s go ho-” _

 

_ His eyes go wide. His head turns down, in slow motion. There’s a hole in his chest. He gasps. His eyes lift again. They’re a cool grey- _

 

_ Again. _

 

_ Another. _

 

_ Too many. _

 

_ There are five holes in his chest. He’s backed against the wall again, over her. He looks back to them. The cool metal weighs into their hand like the perfect fit. Their fingers squeeze the trigger. They can hear him, his demonic voice - “ _ **_you stupid bitch_ ** _ -” _

 

_ A shot to his head. _

_ His neck snaps back, and his body lurches forward, and he hits the ground. His blood pools on the floor. _

_. . . there’s a soft clatter in the silence of the room. Alexei is too numb; they can hardly recognize the sound. It’s coming near their feet. _

_ They look down. _

_ It’s the gun Seth had brought home. They thought they had put it in their waistband. How did it fall to the floor? _

_ Alexei looks around. It’s Suzuka’s apartment. The walls are painted a pretty green - a fitting green, with the kitchen walls in a matching brown. Ahead of them, against the opposite wall, there are splatters of red.  _ She never refurbished _ , they think,  _ we were going to do that together, once I left Seth. Have we done it? Have I . .  _. _ ?

_ They look down. There are two ragdolls lying on the floor in front of them. Both of them are covered with blood from pricked fingers and sewing needles. _

_. . .  _ no _. It hits them. Too much clarity - they step back against the wall. They look at their hands. They’re clean - but no, no, there are two  _ bodies _ , lying on the floor, and one of them is of Seth, finally a dead fucker like he should’ve been seven years ago, but there’s a woman there, with glassy eyes like emeralds, and she looks - oh gods, she looks like she could’ve been the sentenced Izanami from hell- _

_ Oh god. _

_ Alexei lurches forward, and falls to the floor. They’re by her side at an instant. Seth’s body is heaved away. Her body is in their arms. Blood is sticky and warm on their hands. They press fingers to her face. They leave a streak of blood on her cheek. They finger through her hair and catch in a tangle. They press a thumb at her temple. Her expression never changes. _

_ It’s all the way down, turtles all the way down, and they’re sinking into those eyes, and into that body, and it’s hitting them too hard, and they know, they know- _

_ She’s dead. All they had left - and they let out a  _ scream _. _

***

The room’s so bright. They’re on their knees, voice lost. They can  _ see _ , the memory freed from their mind except for that one image, the image of their-

At the end of the room is a glow, around a woman so pale she’s like a ghost. She’s pregnant, with a clock painted on her belly. She’s standing, watching them. Her hair is a shining white. She’s stepping towards them, and Alexei is reaching out to her without their thinking. Cold fear is sinking into them, and they can’t stop themselves, and the woman is stepping closer, taking their hand in hers-

And there’s screaming. Screaming music, and the woman is disappearing, and it’s all becoming too bright behind their eyes, and Alexei can feel their voice echoing off the walls of their skull.

 

_ GOD _ **_._ **

 

Their body hits the floor, followed by their prosthetic hand, and the world finally goes dark for them.


End file.
